Yes. I’m Kenzi and for the first 27 years of my life I did nothing but try to barely skate by on the bare minimum. I made bad choices and did not care to accomplish or try and succeed at anything. I was nothing.
Today, you are looking at someone who fought tooth and nail to be more. Now you get to witness the comeback.
July 14th 2018. The day that it all changed. I had a metaphorical plane crash. I was knocked in the head (but yes I was also punched repeatedly as well, thanks mom) and woke up. I hit a crossroads and for some reason it hit me. It hit me hard and I haven’t been the same since. I went to Bethany High school. It was small and wonderful and you really did get individualized lessons. I am not a dumb person either. I adore reading and have read over 1100 books in my life time and also taught myself to speed read. I am smart. I am just a little entitled brat. If I didn’t feel like going into class I just wouldn’t, then I would be confused on why I was in trouble. I was never really taught that I have to own my actions, and the consequences that come with certain actions. I was never made to take responsibility, and I rarely ever heard the word “no”. In fact the word “no” did not exist. If I wanted something and was told no, then I saw it more as a challenge. Our family was pretty well off. My dad is an extremely hard worker and he is great with money. He is very frugal, where my mother on the other hand, does not want to lift a finger, and on that finger she wants a huge diamond. We always had the toys we wanted. My mom always had her designer bags and lux vehicles. My dads thing was golf. Golf was his first love and escape from the pressures of raising a family. I grew up going to church. My mom was a lot more into it than my dad. She was like a “holy roller” she would call it. My dad not so much. Its funny because now it is almost the opposite. My dad is now a man of faith and goes to church every sunday. My mom still believes and prays, she just no longer attends church. My siblings and I went to a private Luthern school until we moved to okc. I had a lovely childhood. I always had my own room and the coolest stuff. My parents both spent a lot of time with us kids and Christmases were pure magic. My childhood was awesome. The fact that I literally always got whatever I wanted did not seem to help me in adulthood though. I have had 5 cars. I only bought 1 myself. When I decided I didn’t “feel” like sticking out the last couple of months of high school, I just stopped going. I wasn’t punished or threatened to get my ass back in class. There was no fight. I just did not want to so I didn’t have to. Fast forward to now and it mattered. It was part of the deal of getting to live with my dad and step mom, Krista. She pushed and encouraged and didn’t give me even the option of opting out of it. And honestly? The tests were easy. Well all of them except math. But I studied and I did it. I took my GED and passed. When I did I got to feel something that I never really had before. Pride. Actual pride. I did something on my own. I worked hard and I did it. I am now a high school graduate. I also landed a job pretty soon after I moved in with them as well. Before now I hadn’t had a job in years. I have autoimmune diseases that get pretty rough. I have had to spend months in the hospital and I have even applied for disability twice. It is a huge blessing that I was never approved because I love working. Yes there are days where it sucks and I don’t want to, but those days are awesome because when I get home and crawl into bed I like myself. I am a hard worker and fast learner. I am wonderful with people and people like me. This job was a perfect “starter job” again. It built my confidence and made me happy. I am needed. I am valuable there because I am good at what I do. I am actually reliable. I am trusted. These are qualities I have never had before. I am making my own money and getting my very first taste of independence and I love it. So next, I set my goal on a better job. A job with better pay and full time, as I am barely getting 20 hours a week at my first job. But, like I said, it was a perfect job to get my feet wet. So I set my sight on being a barista at Starbucks. Anyone I know who worked there said that Starbucks is an incredible company to work for and that they truly do take care of and value their employees. The benefits are great as well. Health insurance. 401k plan. And the coolest benefit in my opinion, the options to further my education. You guys, I am going back to school.
So anyway, I applied at Starbucks and waited a day. I am not a very patient person, I am working on it though. This time in this circumstance my impatience truly paid off. I was calling Starbucks a couple times a day trying to reach the manager. Eventually her desk was covered with post it notes with my name and phone number. I made a huge effort. I never used to try this hard at anything unless it is something selfish and immature. As of this week, a couple days ago, I am now Starbucks’ newest barista.
THAT is why I am writing. I am writing because less than 6 months ago I was suicidal, making horrible choices, drinking alcohol on a daily basis and usually day drinking. Less than 6 months ago I was living with my mom. I had nothing and wanted nothing. My mom and I would wake up get the kids to school and either go back to sleep until the kids were done at school, or sit in her living room on the couch, watching T.V and just scrolling through our phones on Facebook. Watching everyones lives keep going. My mom and I both were miserable. Depressed, lonely, broke and pathetic. The saddest thing about it was that we knew it and didn’t WANT to change. Now, if I have a random day off, I hate it. I love to be busy. I love to be needed and relied on. I love where I am right now even though it is still very much the beginning stages.
Day by day and step by step I am growing. I feel excited for my future. I am a good example for my son. I am a hard worker and I am proud of myself. Saying that wasn’t always easy or exciting either. Even after I began working and I passed the GED, I wouldn’t allow myself to be proud. I couldn’t because those are things that I should have done years ago. It is a little frustrating sometimes because I feel so late. Sometimes those thoughts creep in but I can usually talk myself back to earth because who cares if I am little late. I am doing it. I am killing it and I am just building more and more motivation and momentum. I am focused on making my life better. I am focused on becomingly completely independent. Where I do not need to rely on anyone. Not my mother, not some boyfriend or husband, not my dad or Krista.
Something that I am experiencing that is new is my step mom. She is THE role model you guys. She is most well rounded, calm and collected human I have ever met. No, she isn’t perfect, but she is always on the move. She plays tennis and has a serious MILF body. She takes care of her self and eats healthy. She reads a lot and is very involved in book club. She is very sporty and super strong. What I look up the most in her though is her determination. It is incredible the shit this woman can accomplish just by herself. When she decides she wants to do something then thats that. Just this weekend she textured and painted over the wallpaper in her bathroom. No help needed. She just went in there and knocked that shit out while listening to a book on audible. Now maybe that isn’t so weird sounding to you. But the women I grew up watching were anything but capable. Even my aunts. It was like, they couldn’t do anything unless the husband or boyfriend was around to supervise or boss her around. The only thing my mom really liked doing with no help from my dad was spend money. I am not saying they are any less than Krista, I am just saying that it odd to see. But I have always been the same way. I like to do things on my own and hate feeling like I need to ask for help or even worse, permission.
So July 2018 was one of the worst months of my life. in fact 2018 (earlier) just wasn’t really my year. But I am taking it back. These last couple months of 2018 are mine and I am r0cking it. That is how I know that 2019 will be the biggest year yet. I am no longer afraid to set goals because it might be “hard” or out of fear of failing. I now believe in myself. I am capable. I also am so very lucky. Not only am I getting my life back on track with a job and school and making my own money, but I am also fixing my relationships in a healthy way. My relationship with my dads side has been strenuous at best. I hurt him and Krista a lot. I was told they didn’t care about me so why should I care about them? Well that was all bullshit. They never forgot about me like I was told. They always missed me and wished I was there. They always thought of me and would try to contact me. They NEVER once gave up on me even when they had every right to.
I was seeing a life coach for a little bit up until about a month ago and now I am in therapy seeing a licensed counselor. Being around Krista and her daughters (my step sisters) has made me realized just how twisted and sick my relationship with my mom is. I mean, my mom believed that I was so sick that I couldn’t do anything but lay on the couch. Plus I found something else out pretty recently that shocked me, fighting constantly is not normal. At my moms house it was always something. There was always drama, I mean non stop screaming, name calling, cursing and threats were a daily occurrence. Now, I literally have no idea how to react when Krista approaches me with a problem or something I did that she doesn’t like and she is mature, still kind but firm. More than anything its respect. She respects me and is showing that by handling said conflict with grace and maturity. When she does guess how I react now? With respect, grace and maturity. It is insane to not be screamed at for no reason at all. The more time I spend with her and the more she is teaching me the more I realize that my mom and I had the all time worst relationship. My therapist is teaching me how to cope with these times when I am losing sleep and so sad and so anxious.
I honestly do miss my mom a whole lot. After she is my mom and our unhealthy, sick twisted, abusive relationship was all I knew and all she knew too. Maybe her relationship with her mom was terrible too. All I know is that no matter how much it hurts, how lonely it gets and no matter how badly I want to drive down to hug her because its Christmas, no matter how much I love her unconditionally I realize that the cycle must be broken. It ends here.
I do not know when I will be ready to speak to my mother again. She has talked to my sister and told her that she wants to see me and misses me so much. I am told that nothing has changed there though. That she still doesnt want to go to work, which she needs to. That there is still just so much drama over there. It is just different drama because now I am gone. My uncle also messaged me for a while begging me to talk to my mom. She had minor surgery that they all made into a huge deal so I would feel guilty and go see her. As if this isn’t hard enough. My entire life was life upside down. I am so lucky for it but it doesn’t make it easy. All I can do is hope that she realizes and sees the changes I am working so hard for. I hope she is proud of me and happy too. I hope she realizes and accepts that being around her could only drag me back down into the miserable hell hole I was in 6 months ago. As my mother I hope she wants the best for me and wants to see me succeed, even if that means her staying away for a while.
I am going to continue this blog post tomorrow. It is late and I have to go to work in the morning. I am so lucky to have a job. I am thankful for a family who didn’t give up on me and loved me through it. I am thankful for Krista, who is showing me what a mother daughter relationship is supposed to be like but also she is teaching me how to be a good, strong, kind, mature, calm ,giving and encouraging woman like she is.
Until next time, I’m gonna keep killing’ it in this life and keep rocking this awesome comeback and come up story.
The grey area 