If it’s a broken part, replace it.
If it’s a broken arm then brace it.
If its a broken heart then face it.
The last blog post that I wrote and published had to be taken down. Every single word in it was true, but sometimes the truth can hurt others and it is unnecessary. When I first wrote it and posted it to my Facebook I didn’t care who I may hurt. All that mattered in that moment was my feelings and getting them out of my brain. It was selfish. Had certain members of my family read that, it would have caused a lot of drama and heart ache. Now, please do not get me wrong, I, like most humans are selfish. Selfishness is like a default setting. There are people who have hurt me terribly. I am still grieving and healing from those hurts as well, but that does not mean that getting revenge will make me feel better. It may give the illusion of making me feel better, but all in all it will only make things worse. As 2018 finally comes to a close I want to leave it and forget most of it. Instead of forgetting, I will heal from it. I want to wake up in 2019 fresh and new. I want to forgive and let go of a list of people. Some family, some friends, a couple exes and of course the pieces of me that are sick. They all gotta go.
The problem with that is, I have never ever been good at either one of those things. Forgiving? Sure I’ll forgive you, but only in a sense of the word. I will hold a grudge until the day I die and I absolutely refuse to forget either. I will also never let you forget it either. I know that none of this is healthy, which is why I am working on it and working my ass off in therapy. I have heard that the best revenge is success. I do believe that to a certain extent. Therefore I am going to try to be the best I possibly can be and do it all on my own. I do not want any of these people taking credit for what I am doing to fix my life. I just do not seem to know the first thing about letting go. My therapist says that forgiveness is a big part of it. You know those sayings like “holding a grudge is letting someone live rent free in your head.” or “not forgiving someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to get sick.” Cheesy but I think they are right. it takes so much energy to hate someone. Today my dad and I were talking about forgiving and letting go and he told me that “hate is not the opposite of love, apathy is.” I love that. It is right. When you hate someone you still care, you are still thinking about them and worrying about what they are doing. You wish ill of them and that means you are still thinking of them. Now its when you do not care. When you don’t wish them well or ill. You don’t care how their day is going, they never even cross your mind. THAT has to hurt. Well I guess it has to hurt if that person still cares about you. So that is my goal currently. Become apathetic to those I am needing to let go of and forgive. it may just be temporary even. But right now, to survive I cannot allow myself to care what she is doing. I cannot care how his day is going or if he or she is going to be okay this Christmas. The only thing that I do not think I can do is just stop loving them though. Is it possible to love from a distance and not care if they are happy or sad? Maybe not. This doesn’t seem like a situation where there is a grey area. I think there are people you cannot help but love though. No matter how much they have hurt you, but it doesn’t mean you have to have a relationship with them. I love her because she is my mom. I love him because he gave me the greatest thing, my child. He was/is my best friend and I can talk to him about anything so I love him. Or maybe the best way to say it is I have love for them. All three of them I have love for. But two of them I have to let go of for now because they hurt me and are not healthy. I can miss them, and I do miss them. It feels like a limb is missing from my body when memories flash through my head. It is terribly painful, but something that is getting easier to understand and accept is that I am better off without them. At least right now I am. I am healing, rebuilding, and gaining my strength back. When I am strong enough and confident in who I am then I will know and be able to put into action what I deserve. I refuse to allow people to treat me less than I deserve. I will not accept it just because they are my blood or because I once made a vow to God with them. Things change. People do too, but they never seem to for the better. I am. I am changing for the better, but the wind always blows the hardest the closer you are to the top.
This week has been soul crushing. All I can do is rub some dirt in the wounds and get back up. So that is exactly what I am going to do. I started my new job at starbucks and I love it. My son is with his dad so this new job is the only thing getting me out of bed. I am making new friends and I have old friends that are supportive as well. I have my step mom, who seems to be the only one who can bring me back down to earth when I am spiraling out of control. I have my sister who, is literally the only person who understands exactly how I am feeling with my estranged relationship. I have people who care about me. I have people who are in my corner and have my back. My goal for this upcoming weekend is to focus on them and become apathetic to those who I am needing to let go of. Even if the apathy is just temporary, it is extremely vital to my survival and success.
Thank you to all of you who care enough to read and support. And I guess high five to those who read because the shitshow that is my life is entertaining and you have a thing for drama. (joking)
Love you all. Mean it.
The grey area 